Perfection
by EternallyEC
Summary: Summary: Blair’s bulimia—how it was discovered by her mother and other dark secrets Blair hides. And when she relapses just after Gone With the Will and Chuck returns unexpectedly, how will they deal with it? Rated T; not suitable for under 13 years ol


**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Everything but the idea belongs to the incredible people who make _Gossip Girl _happen.

**Summary: **Blair's bulimia—how it was discovered by her mother and other dark secrets Blair hides. And when she relapses just after _Gone With the Will _and Chuck returns unexpectedly, how will they deal with it?

**Author's Note: **I would like to point you all over to the incredible story _Signs, _by hopelessromantic549. This was the story I was reading last night when I decided to write this. I have always wondered about the cause of Blair's bulimia and her history with it and feel the show should really show it more in-depth… but until I get the books all I can do is use my imagination.

**Pairing: **Chuck/Blair (is there any other, really?)

**Timeline: **Set after the ending of _Gone With the Will_.

**Title: **Perfection

Eleanor Waldorf awoke for the fifth night in a row to the unmistakable sounds of vomiting coming from the upstairs bathroom. The water was running but that did little to mask the sounds of her daughter throwing up.

Standing, she threw on her silk robe and cinched it shut as she walked upstairs to see what was going on. The sight that awaited her was one that would never be erased from her mind.

Her daughter was leaning over the toilet with her fingers in her mouth, forcing herself to throw up, surrounded by several empty plates and eating utensils. Eleanor's mind went numb as it tried to process the evidence before her—her daughter; her beautiful, perfect, always impeccably put together daughter, _had become bulimic. _

Neither Blair Waldorf nor her mother would remember much about the ensuing months of doctor after doctor, psychiatrist after psychiatrist, but Blair would always remember how her mother had reacted when she'd found out that Serena knew about Blair's "condition", as she insisted on calling it.

"_You can't tell people about things like this, Blair. Do you want to ruin my company? If you do then go on and tell everyone about your condition—you'll destroy my reputation and then my career will be over. Don't you ever think?!"_

Blair had always known that her mother had never wanted her and she'd been taught from infancy that reputation and image were things to be treasured and guarded closely. But to be told that her mother's reputation and job meant more to her than Blair herself did…

That night Blair Waldorf had spent the night with Serena and taken a bottle of prescription pills Lily had in the medicine cabinet while her best friend slept, believing that her mother and everyone else would be much happier if she and her problems simply disappeared.

Then she had felt herself slipping away from reality and the fear had taken hold of her. _I don't want to die! _Somehow she'd crawled to Serena's bed and managed to wake her before passing out on the floor beside her.

Now, almost a full three years later, Blair was being hit by the same dizzying flood of emotions as she knelt on the tile floor in front of the toilet, fighting hard against the urge to slip back into her old habit.

She had just sent Chuck away, throwing the flowers he had brought her at his feet, and now she knew that once again, she was alone. Serena was on yet another attempt to make things work with Dan, and the only other friend she had really had was… She shoved the thought away and tried to remember how long it had taken and how hard she'd had to fight to recover. Did she really want to start that again?

_Three Years Earlier_

_After a day out with her best friend, Blair was sick of everyone staring at Serena and hearing the whispers about how beautiful she was. It was like she was invisible, her light blocked out by that of her best friend. _

_Then she'd arrived home and found éclairs in the crystal serving dish on the table. Taking one out, she began to pick at it and turned to go upstairs, freezing when she saw her mother waiting for her. "Blair! What are you eating?" Her mouth turned down in disgust and Blair wilted, realizing that she had disappointed her mother once again. _

"_It's an éclair—I just got home and I was hungry—," she began, but Eleanor cut her off with a wave of her hand. _

"_Oh, eat what you like. I'll just have to start designing my clothes for Serena, I suppose—she has the right type of body for them anyway," she said, studying Blair with a critical eye. "You really are putting on weight—why don't you go the gym in the morning?" And with that, Eleanor left the kitchen, her purpose apparently accomplished. _

_Blair forced her tears to remain at bay as she slowly threw the éclair in the trash can and climbed the stairs, walking into her bathroom. Undressing, she studied every inch of her body as it was revealed, critiquing and criticizing. _

_She didn't know where the idea came from as she stared at imagined fat and flaws, but suddenly it seemed like the perfect solution. She needed to be perfect for her mother and for Nate, but mostly for herself. She needed a perfect body and to be perfect in every way—and she knew just how to do it. _

_Kneeling down in front of the toilet, she lifted the lid and took several deep breaths as she contemplated what she was about to do. Suddenly several memories hit her at once: _

_-- Her first memory, she was three years old and had snuck into a sandbox when Eleanor wasn't paying attention. She was playing happily when suddenly her mother jerked her up, screaming about how Blair had ruined her dress and ladies didn't play in the dirt. She had slapped her hand and yanked the crying toddler all the way back to the car. _

_--The first time that she'd realized everyone liked Serena more than her, including her crush—Nathaniel Archibald. _

_--Several instances of her mother telling her she needed to lose weight, the way felt she was losing Nate's attention a little more each day, the way Serena continued to steal the spotlight that Blair so desperately needed without even knowing she did it… _

_Before she realized it, Blair was throwing up. And it felt so good that she knew that she never wanted to stop._

Suddenly, Blair's fingers were down her throat and she was throwing up, both reveling in the relief it brought her and wallowing in the misery of having given in again. She knew that her mother and Serena would be so disappointed when they found out… and she would tell them. She'd need their support to beat her disease back once more.

"Blair? What the hell are you doing?"

Blair's blood ran cold at the sound of the all-too-familiar voice coming from behind her. She quickly pulled her hand away from her mouth and managed to stop the vomiting. "I'm sick, Chuck—I don't want you here. Please go."

She prayed to whatever deity would listen that he would listen—she did not want him to see this weakness, to see how she looked right then.

Suddenly he was in front of her, kneeling beside the toilet and staring at her face, shock and horror in his eyes. "I saw what you did, Blair." Without further comment he reached for a wet rag and gently wiped her face off.

"Please go," Blair whispered, more ashamed than she had ever been in her life. "This is just a set-back—I've been recovered for two years."

Chuck couldn't believe his ears. "Why would you do something like this?"

Blair scoffed and unsteadily stood up. "Because I need to be perfect," she said quietly. "I need to be perfect," she repeated, her volume increasing.

"I need to be perfect!" she screamed, yanking her shirt up to reveal a very nearly flat stomach. "And this," she pointed to her reflection in the mirror, "Is nowhere close to good enough." She turned and left the room, leaving Chuck alone to realize the implications of her words.

He thought he knew what was going on to some degree—Blair had devoted herself so whole-heartedly to him ever since his father's death that she hadn't taken the time to deal with everything that had happened between them. His heart broke as he realized that once again he had shattered hers.

Standing up, he made a decision that he was going to put aside his own issues and put her first for once. He walked into the bedroom and found Blair standing naked in front of a full-length mirror. Swallowing hard, Chuck was able for the first time to admire the beauty of her body without feeling anything sexual. He knew that she was finding and magnifying her body's natural flaws—and probably inventing some.

He slipped up behind her, wrapping his arms around her stomach and whispering into her ear, "Stop, Blair. There is nothing wrong with your body—you are exquisite."

Blair relaxed back against his chest and shook her head. "No. I have too much fat here, and my thighs are much too wide."

"Your body may not be perfect, but it is beautiful," he insisted. "And so are you. I don't know why you felt you had to do this to be perfect, but you need to know that. Over the past two years I have learned that you aren't perfect, but it's your imperfections that captivate me."

She looked doubtful, but Blair took him at his word and closed his eyes as his hands traced gently over her body. "You are beautiful," he whispered into her ear. "And…" he hesitated, feeling his fear fall away as he let the words wash over his tongue and escape into the air, "I love you."

A single tear fell down Blair's face as she studied their reflection in the mirror, specifically his eyes. She saw the old Chuck there, and in that moment she knew that he was telling the truth.

"I love you too," she whispered, turning around and wrapping her arms around his chest. "I was just afraid..."

"I know," he whispered. "Me too."

As he held Blair in his arms he made a silent vow never to break her heart again. It was one promise he was going to make damn sure he kept.

~~FIN


End file.
